admar

admar

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[Jun. 28th, 2006|02:45 am]

[	mood	\|	Done and gone	]
[	music	\|	Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley	]

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

I'm just about spent, all out of everything. I've got nothing left to give except my apologies, and even these are paltry and pale in the dark. When did it come to this point? You never do see it coming do you, until it winds up on your doorstep and in your heart and only drags you down to the bottom to drown. I was just looking for someone who speaks my language. It's to the point where I've come back here to talk because I feel I don't have anywhere else to go, because at least when you talk to yourself the person listening understands. What's more pathetic, the fact that I've lost so much or the fact that there's no fault to find but my own? I can barely look at her much less talk to her, it rips me in half to be in the same room with her. I could barely explain it to a friend, trying to talk to her seems like a wasted exercise at this point. I've backed myself into a corner and there's no way out but down. The highlight of it all is that it's a case in point for everything wrong with me and everything I hate about me to the point where after I'd finished explaining it and I asked "Now does that make more sense about why I'm so hard on myself, why I think I'm far from even good?" all she (my friend) could say was "Yeah, it makes more sense now." I'm tired, I'm worn, and the only way out is leaving, and July 13th cannot come soon enough. Hallelujah. Sometimes I think the only thing persuading me to keep shuffling on this mortal coil is the absence of an appealing alternative. I'm out of everything, I'm sorry. I've got nothing left to give from myself, to myself, except my apologies.

How do I explain
The difference between
Who I am and what you see
It isn't me

I'm out of everything, I'm sorry. I've got nothing left to give except my apologies.

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Back to the GV	[Feb. 8th, 2006\|01:56 am]
So, fair (but late, I know) warning to any of you GV people who read this, I'm back in town this weekend, going to the Prez Ball. I'll be up late Thursday, be around all day Friday, then I'm prolly leaving midday Saturday, so if you feel like hanging out give me a ring, Friday during the morning/afternoon'll prolly be my visiting day and maybe Saturday before I head out. Sooooooo, yeah, dunno if anyone still reads this up there, but if so drop me a line!
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Bitches	[Jan. 26th, 2006\|11:12 am]
I have said it before, and I shall say it again. Bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks. Go ahead and try and prove me wrong. You can't.
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Random Thoughts

[Jan. 23rd, 2006|09:38 am]

[	mood	\|	satisfied	]
[	music	\|	The rhythm of my day	]

Random thoughts for Monday, January 23rd:

-I really hate Pittsburgh. It's the "We're America's team" mentality that I feel like they've imprinted on everybody, much like the Cowboys (whom I actually do kinda like) and the Yankees (whom I despise.) The thing with Pittsburgh though is I don't feel like they intentionally try to have that reputation, they've been given it by the crowd, so I can't really blame them. Nevertheless, I really hate Pittsburgh. May Seattle kick their asses in t-minus 2 weeks.

-Speaking of which, I actually saw a commercial for the Superbowl today on ESPN. That is perhaps the most worthless waste of money and tv time since the OC was launched. Anyone who doesn't know who the hell's playing in the Superbowl or when it's happening is probably the kind of person who wouldn't watch ESPN in the first place. It's like preaching the evils of racism to Rodney King, he fucking knows already!

-Speaking of sports and the innanity that sometimes exists therein, here's a conversation between my dad and I while watching Sportscenter this morning:
Dad: Wow, that's pretty astounding, Kobe Bryant scored 81 points in a game, second highest of all time. He's a pretty spectacular player.
Me: Yeah, and I heard for the halftime show he raped a woman at center court.

-I do like Colin Hay though, you should check out some of his stuff.

-Speaking of which, I've rediscovered bad 80's pop music. Is there a better genre?

-I hate lecture hall classes that include 200 students (mostly freshmen) who don't know when to shut the fuck up and just listen.

-I want spring to be here.

-Why is it that everything seems better in England (except the teeth of course)? I've been listening to Virgin Radio UK on iTunes radio, and it just makes me feel good. Is it the good music (instead of inane pop music), the accents, the properly spoken and intelligent english their DJ's use (as opposed to most of our slack-jawed idiots), what is it? Riddle me this.

-People need to get over Family Guy, and by people I mean creators of other tv shows. Both creators of the Simpsons and South Park have bad-mouthed Family Guy. I can understand some criticism, such as it's a show that people feel they couldn't let their kids watch, fine, I'll certainly buy that. But one of the creators of South Park (I forget which jack-off slack-off said it exactly) said, when being mentioned w/Family Guy as the two best shows on television "That hurts. That hurts so bad." Oh get a fucking life asshole, you're given a fucking compliment and you take the opportunity to badmouth someone, good fucking move. Don't get me wrong, I love South Park but my respect for its creators just plummeted. Guess what guys, it's funny, people think it's funny, the general public (much of the same who watch your show) think it's funny. I dunno what you think you know that the majority of the public seems to be ignorant of that gives you reason to hate the show, but the rest of us like it. So get over yourselves.

-There's a reason why lemonade is traditionally a summer drink. That's because when you try and drink it in the winter when the air's cold and dry and you have chapped/cracked lips, IT HURTS LIKE HELL. Note to self: be less of a dumbass like that.

-If the moon were made of spare-ribs, would you eat it? I would.

-The good: More Chappelle's show is on its way soon!
The bad: More = about 4 shows worth, almost too little to bear.

-The sun is now shining, making me want it to be spring all the much more. Damn there should be windows in the library so I don't have to look outside and cry.

-A plus side to having large lecture classes is the possibility of sitting next to some really cute girls.

-Isn't it funny how you sometimes know of someone, or have seen them around a bit and have been like "man, it'd be cool to meet that person" but the opportunity never arose, and then one day 3 years down the road you suddenly do? And to make it even better they in fact have been having the same experience about you? Freaky deaky coolness.

And I'm done. To work!

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Love song for no one

[Jan. 22nd, 2006|02:12 am]

[	mood	\|	resigned	]
[	music	\|	Self-explanatory	]

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

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The end

[Dec. 31st, 2005|01:50 am]

[	mood	\|	hopeful	]
[	music	\|	Counting Crows/Bob Dylan	]

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as You were leaving
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things You could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean
I guess I should

Happy last day of 2005. And when I say happy, I mean really, really happy. Let's face it: 2005 was a pretty sucky year. The Tsunami, the steroid scandal, the deepening war in Iraq, the London bombings, Katrina and her cronie hurricanes, political mudslinging fights, all in all it was a pretty crappy year (we won't even get into Michigan football this season, woof.) Pretty much the most positive thing to come from 2005 that I've seen is the opening to Comedy Central's Last Laugh '05 which consisted of William Shatner dressed as the devil doing a spoken word song about how he (as the devil) had a very good year in 2005. It was hilarious, but ironic that it's the best thing to come from 2005 since it's based on how much 2005 sucked. So the best thing about 2005 was the level of its suckage?

I think that's why the opening song is so appropriate. When I first heard it I didn't really "get it" I must admit. But it's grown on me, and it's very true. Especially the very first two lines. So many things went wrong this year. A lot went right too, don't get me wrong, but it's just so hard to ignore the bad. And it seems like it's been that way for everyone, most certainly not just me, but since last winter in fact, since the start of 2005, it's just been bad, straight across the board. Right up to the end too. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE I've talked to has agreed, Christmas this year was nothing, it was "another day", nothing special or above anything else. Everyone's said this. Why? What was it about the year that just so greatly affected everyone? Obviously it's something subtle, or else it'd be right in front of us, but what is it? Can it be that the year overall was just so depressing that it took it's toll on everyone? I'd hate to think so but it appears that way.

It's been a rough year. But, you know what? It's almost over. And I think more than ever before, I am looking forward to a new year. In the past, it's just been another night to get together with friends and have fun. This year though, I am looking forward to it.

I think next year can be better. I think it has the potential to be. And b/c of that, I have to end with another song.

One of the best things for me personally from this year was discovering Bob Dylan and his music. It seems like every week I find a new song of his that's my new favorite. This one may top the list though, it's confidently uplifting, quiet but joyful and assuredly firm.

Perfect for a new year.

Here's to hoping that maybe this year'll be better than the last.

'Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood
When blackness was a virtue and the road was full of mud
I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

And if I pass this way again, you can rest assured
I'll always do my best for her, on that I give my word
In a world of steel-eyed death, and men who are fighting to be warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Not a word was spoke between us, there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved.
Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

I was burned out from exhaustion, buried in the hail,
Poisoned in the bushes an' blown out on the trail,
Hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Suddenly I turned around and she was standin' there
With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair.
She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Now there's a wall between us, somethin' there's been lost
I took too much for granted, got my signals crossed.
Just to think that it all began on a long-forgotten morn.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Well, the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount
But nothing really matters much, it's doom alone that counts
And the one-eyed undertaker, he blows a futile horn.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

I've heard newborn babies wailin' like a mournin' dove
And old men with broken teeth stranded without love.
Do I understand your question, man, is it hopeless and forlorn?
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

In a little hilltop village, they gambled for my clothes
I bargained for salvation an' they gave me a lethal dose.
I offered up my innocence and got repaid with scorn.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Well, I'm livin' in a foreign country but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge, someday I'll make it mine.
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

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Here's your letter

[Dec. 13th, 2005|10:51 am]

[	mood	\|	tired	]
[	music	\|	"Here's Your Letter" by Blink 182	]

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

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Postal

[Dec. 5th, 2005|01:39 am]

[	mood	\|	tired	]
[	music	\|	Postal Service	]

Some more random thoughts, not so random and spread out as last time. But I just kinda felt compelled to do a little update. For no reason. Oh well.

Postal Service is pretty awesome, for those of you who don't know they're a combination of the lead singer from Death Cab for Cutie and someone else from another indie band (I forget who), kind of heavy on the electronic side of their music but still good. Love the song "Recycled Air", they manage to bring out very warm edges to electronic beats and synths and sounds, it's very nice.

I almost hesitate to put this in here b/c I don't know how many people still look at this thing, but oh well, it's not as bad as it might sound. But I've got to say depression is one of the most selfish afflictions a person can have. It's very self-indulgent and self-involved, unintentionally so but it just is. I do think that I have some form of depression, just not sure to what extent. I've been talking to my current philosophy prof Dr. Jones for the past few weeks and in his self-admitted un-professional opinion it sounds like I might very well have some form or another. He's strongly encouraged me to get it checked out before doing anything else, before taking any trips, before moving out anywhere, before any of that. He's been around enough people who've been through the same thing and have tried to treat it, and for those of whom it works for he says the change is pretty astounding. I guess it was just what someone needed to say to convince me. Now I have to actually still go through with it of course, but I've gotten closer.
Anyway back to the original thought, if I am suffering from depression or something I've got to say my first gut observation is what a self-involved affliction it is. It is, but indirectly so, it's not a physical action of "me me me" but it's more displayed in extensive inaction. I don't feel like doing much, especially when it comes to friends, and I'm not sure why. I've just found it harder and harder to even bring myself to call or talk to some of my friends, for no good reason. There're people I should've called a long time ago and should've seen, and I haven't. It's just a very self-involved problem.

Maybe that's yet another speculative reason as to why in the past I always seemed to be looking for someone to be in a relationship with? So I could bring myself out of myself and focus on someone else? I don't feel like that's a legit answer though.

It's something I'm still unwraveling, I'll get back to you on it.

In other news, what do you do about girls? I'm never sure how much to push, how much to concentrate, how much to try for something and how much to kinda lean off of it. How do you find the balance between interest and not coming on too strong? I feel like I miss the mark every single time. And I feel like I'm doing it yet again, and continuing to swing and miss, like a goddamn pinata that you can never quite reach yet you know if you hit it once you'd be showered in goodness.

Hmmmm...that metaphor really didn't work out too well. At all. Although there are some people I wouldn't mind taking a baseball bat to, so there you go. Managed to salvage...about 5% of that metaphor. Yeah, you know it's time to go to sleep when...

G'nigh

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Random thoughts on my mind

[Nov. 27th, 2005|02:32 am]

[

music

My head, by Me

]

Step out the front door like a ghost
Into the fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you
The angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.
I walk in the air between the rain
Through myself and back again
Where? I don't know
Maria says she's dying
Through the door I hear her crying
Why? I don't know
Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates
Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
And she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus
She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous
Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she's slipping through my hands
Sleeping children better run like the wind
out of the lightning dream
Mama's little baby better get herself in
out of the lightning
She says "it's only in my head"
She says "Shhh I know it's only in my head"
But the girl on the car in the parking lot
Says "Man you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
Then she looks up at the building
Says she's thinking of jumping
She says she's tired of life
She must be tired of something
Round here she's always on my mind
Round here hey man got lots of time
Round here we're never sent to bed early
and nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late
I can't see nothing.. nothing round here
Will you catch if I'm falling
Will you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me cause I'm falling down on you
I said I'm under the gun around here
I'm innocent I'm under the gun around here
And I can't see nothing
Nothing round here

One Saturday last year at school, I sat down for over 3 hours and just wrote on here. What unfolded was a random list of everything good and bad on my mind at the time. It's a little early, but I seem to have made it an annual event. Here for the second year (a few months early) are random thoughts on my mind, the good the bad and everything in between:

Good things: Round Here, Counting Crows, Justin and Max and too many online computer games, Aiman, TJ, Mindy, Elaina, Alissa, Madison, Daylyn, Selin, Julia, communication, California, Jon Stewart, the Daily Show, Steve Carrell, JR, Dr. Jones, Sally, Chris, my speech teacher "Proffesor Homeskillet Funk" (who is in fact the whitest whitey ever), Bruce Springsteen, Atlantic City, acoustic covers, Bob Dylan, walking in the snow at night, U of M hockey, finally being able to put some ideas down on paper and like them, the broadway bridge, shikoku, falling in love with someone, impromptu MSU bonfires, Ann Arbor, America the band, America the country, Alexi Murdoch, American Beauty, Lost in Translation, Shakespeare in Love, speech class (the once class that really makes me laugh), philosophy class (the one class that really makes me think), science class (the one class I can sleep through and get an A), Barenaked Ladies, Selin, Julia, Hiro, Wes, Joel, Brian, Lewis, Jess, Hunter, Sam, Luke, Melissa, Helen, Brian, philosophy classes in general, waking up cold in a small apartment with a broken heater and yet not caring cause you fell asleep with three awesome people after a great night, taking an early morning winter walk, driving home listening to Counting Crows, Harry Potter (movies and books), running into someone unexpectedly, hanging out with friends, driving stick, driving in the snow, peanut butter jelly time, Death Cab for Cutie, the passenger seat, Black Crowes, talking to angels, girl from the north country, Pink Floyd, my science prof who's a complete nerd but god bless that man I love him, Colin Hay, Flight of the Conchords, Foo Fighters, Coldplay, George Carlin, Dane Cook, Nate, Incubus, Robin Williams, Charlie, guitar, music, Van Morrison, Sigur Ros, U2, Family Guy, The Simpsons, Stephen Colbert, Barak Obama, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintanence, incense, incense smoke, sleep, the moment, going on, tomorrow.

Bad things: Not getting enough sleep, not caring much about school anymore, waking up half an hour after you were supposed to be at work, having your parents fight and you don't know why, watching someone go through that, Bill O'Reilly, going through the motions, not being able to sleep, not having any plans, walking too long in the snow at night, smoking, not being able to write any songs you like, failing econ, not being called, not calling friends, being a bad friend, neglecting friends, fading away, meaning to do so much but having it all slip away, depression, covering up, white lies, not getting "it", being let down, letting people down, the winter, the quietness of winter, the quietness of night, being alone, thinking you're alone, making yourself alone, not feeling much except out of touch, annoying roommates, annoying friends, cheating ex-boyfriends, ignorance, hate, blindness, not being able to get away, being led on, not really communicating well, being classified (unfairly), feeling betrayed (and not wanting to), obsession, striking out, the same old same old, homework, not doing homework, ADD, living in an apartment with some annoyingly flaky roommates and a broken heater during winter, the future, the past,

Random thoughts:
I'm tired.
I didn't go to the party tonight. I don't think I would have been pleasant to be around.
It feels like there's an orchestra in my head in a constant state of tune-up, and if I could just get it all playing together I could make some beautiful music.
My dad called me a people person the other day. Which is funny. I don't feel like it. A lot of the time I like being alone. I like being with other people, but more it feels like I like being alone. A people person? Am I? I think I'm not a good one.
Plain and simple, I am a bad friend. I tried to tell JR this. He didn't really believe me. I am though. This semester has proven it. When was the last time I called you? When was the last time we hung out? When was the last time we did anything? I'm not trying to be a bad friend, but I'm not trying to be a good one either. Which is making me a bad friend. I'm trying to figure out how to be a good friend again. I think I've lost it. I'm sorry.
More and more, I think I need to get out. I need to leave. Everything. The thing is, I want to be able to come back in the future and pick things up where they left off, have the world and everyone waiting for me. It's not going to happen though, it's unfair for me to ask people to wait. Meaning, I have to make a choice. Leave and risk losing out on a lot, but maybe step into something greater. Or stay and try to pick things up. Not that I've got much more to lose than I've already lost this semester.
I think I'm going to move to California. The question is will it be with someone or alone. Right now I'm thinking alone. It just seems like that's always how these things work out.
I want to go to Shikoku too.
I should probably go talk to someone. I've had 2 teachers tell me that in the span of a few months. Maybe I should do that before anything else.
I have $17,000 in the bank right now (not counting paying off loans, leaving me at about 14,000.) How much can I get done on that, and how should I spend it?
Where am I going.

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